It really wasn’t so bad at first afterward. I connected in the hospital with the cardiologist that I really liked. He knew what he was doing. They drained all the extra fluid out of my heart with diuretics. And they put me on heart medications to strengthen my heart.

     I was basically still going to the gym and doing my regular workout every day. I did notice that sometimes I got very winded, and I had to sit down and catch my breath for about five minutes but then I could get up and go and be just fine. In the course of treatment, they took a camera and stuck it down my throat so they could see all aspects of my heart and how it was doing. It was then that they discovered that I had a burst defective, aortic heart valve. Apparently, it had been with me this way my entire life I had never known it, and it had never acted up. Was of great concern.

     But I still didn’t really change my life. I was in the gym six days a week still. I was doing my same workout, adding some rest periods in there and lifting less heavy than I was trying to lift before at Max. And then I was set up to get a pacemaker/defibrillator. This did not thrill me in fact, none of the surgical procedures thrill me because they shave your entire body till you look like a goofy little baby New Year and not very sexy edit takes a very long time for it all to grow back. And I had to go in for the test with the camera, and then I had to go in for the pacemaker/defibrillator, which actually wasn’t such a big deal except that it now sits on my chest on the left-hand side like a little lump protruding from my pack, and that definitely does not make me happy but I will tell you I have gotten over it.

     Then it was decided that I really had to do something about that defective valve and that might be causing a really big problem that nobody was understanding so whatever. We did it and it actually turned out to be very miraculous. They did not have to crack my chest. They went through a hole in my groin all the way up through the veins Into my heart where they found the problem valve and they dropped down a tiny little upside-down umbrella-like filter and they opened it up and the blood started flowing. It has been an absolute miracle for me.  The procedure was called a TAVER valve and my life changed overnight. I have been so afraid of the prospect of them cracking open my chest and all the pain that would bring, and all the terrible recuperation that was going to come along with that. And this circumvented everything.  I was still as hairless as a eunuch baby, but the greatest corner has been turned.

     A surgeon who consulted on the case was just absolutely a dick when he came in to see us he looked at my chart and my numbers and then, despite the fact that I was still going to the gym every day six days a week, he turned to me and said Looking at your numbers it’s a miracle that you can’t even walk from the couch to the kitchen. Professionals need to be very aware of the power that their words carry. This guy in my mind still was just a prick. I had other doctors say much much more positive things and have a much more positive outlook than he did, but what he was saying was that my numbers were very low so my Ejection fraction which is the measure of how strong your heart is had dropped all the way down to between 10 and 20. A normal person’s ejection fraction is about 50 I went into the operation with that 10 or 20 and immediately when I came out, my ejection fraction jumped up to 30 which is a huge jump. When I came back for a recheck in a couple of weeks, my number had now jumped to 40. This was just dramatic and wonderful news.

     Aside from being shaved down like a baby eunuch, there were some other downs that I had to deal with through all of this. Obviously, I had to get off every and all steroids, my weight dropped and I lost my appetite. I went from 206 pounds down to 173 pounds and I was not happy about it. I did not look good. And I knew that here I was at this new starting point and that I wasn’t going to be able to use any steroids and I made a decision that I was going to do everything I could train every way as possibly hard as I could to come back to get to the very best possible state that was achievable for me.

     I am very happy to report that since then, my weight has gone back to 206. My workouts are strong. I do not try to lift super heavy weight because it’s just not wise but I know how to make the most of the daily planned program for success.

And now I have a new body one that I’m coming to really appreciate. It makes sense naturally because I am an old man so I have an old man’s body. I have a belly. It drives me crazy but many many people tell me that they find it sexy, I’ve been really focusing on my chest and I can see significant changes there. But most of all I feel good and there was a time not so long ago that feeling again good again seemed out of reach.

     I know I need to work on my self-acceptance and my self-esteem still. I know I will always have to struggle with that body dysmorphia, even when people are appreciating and admiring my body, the way it is something in me will fight against it and put it down. That is such a fond wish for me to overcome and squelch. It’s tough for me to understand the world sees me as sexier and more confident than I see myself sometimes I feel like I’m putting one over on everybody without them realizing it. But I need to understand that that is not the truth. It’s OK to feel good about yourself. It’s OK to feel good about your body whatever stage your ass. It’s OK to feel good about your personality, the things you’ve accomplished, and the things you’ve let go of in this life.

     Don’t get me wrong. It was definitely a scary little fucking adventure to go on, but it turns out very well. I was lucky to have my doctor Dr. Kolslki at Saint Joseph’s. He is not perfect but he really showed me that way and he helped me understand the right decisions and so I am forever. Grateful to him.

     So now I am steroidless.  55 years old and still want to have an awesome muscle body.

     Neat trick huh?

     Sounds impossible right?

     Well, maybe not.

     I have remained dedicated as I always do.  I haven’t even used HGH which was approved because I didn’t want to pay a high price.  I have stayed in the gym 6-7 days a week.  Now adding a few cardio days into my routine.

     I was genuinely surprised at how quickly I bounced back in the gym after the heart valve surgery.  I was out of the gym for 8 days and when I came back IMMEDIATELY I could breathe. I didn’t have to rest between sets anymore.  I didn’t start out lifting heavy again, but I did start to build up and up and I have reached the level I was at when things went wrong.

     Amazingly to me, a man who has always struggled with body dysmorphia I’m seeing my body in the mirror in a whole new way. I appreciate it so much more. I look back on the old pictures, and I realize that when I had all that I had accomplished and all that muscle I didn’t recognize it and I didn’t appreciate it and now maybe because I’ve come back from the “brink of death” I am appreciating it so much more. I look at the recent pictures, and I think I actually feel good. I feel attractive and sexy. I now feel the way I wanted to feel way back when but never could.